Last night, Tuesday, I met my friend, Mari Cartel for dinner at Westwood Brew Co. before going upstairs to do stand-up comedy.  Mari and I grew up in radio together.  She now works for Fox News.  Now, I will admit to you that I have not watched a lot of Fox News because I try to be an open-minded thinker which makes me a little closed minded concerning Fox News, which, I fully realize is hypocritical and I vow to  work on this glaring discrepancy.  But as of this writing, the extent of my Fox News viewing consists of watching my friend Michael Reagan on Hannity and Combs and watching Ron Zonen on Greta Van Sustren. 

Oh, and I have seen the documentary, "Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War On Journalism," which left me contentedly adhering to CNN and MSNBC.

Back to our story,  After we ate, Mari, a Fox News reporter, came upstairs to watch my set at Westwood Brew Co. and I pointed her out in the audience as surprising evidence that one Jew works at Fox News.  From this point forward, every screamingly liberal comic proceeded to pound poor Mari with their "extreme left wing liberal bias," up to and including Manuel's hauntingly graphic and sexually vivid depiction of what he will do to Sean Hannity if he ever gets within mounting distance.  It was nothing good people really needed to hear but Mari’s shoulders were shaking so I’m going to assume she was laughing and not crying.

From there, we went to the Fox and Hounds Pub where Bob Cowsill was performing.  Now, you may know a bit about  about Bob Cowsill.  He is one of the singing Cowsills and he did write and perform our podcast theme song.  He’s a good friend and a brilliant guy but… and there’s no polite way to say this… He adores Fox News.  His brain is crammed with so much spoon-fed, right wing, party line propaganda, he actually thinks… and there’s no polite way to say this… that George W. Bush is smart.

So in one evening, as we traveled from Westwood to Studio City, Mari experienced the great Fox News-induced polarization of Los Angeles.  But far more importantly, what she experienced is that rising above our inherent views, biases and philosophical leanings is our love for one another.  If we open our ears, our eyes, our hearts, we become, at once, both stronger and more peaceful.  So right now, I will turn to… Neil Cavuto… And I am…listening, and I am... OK, what an ass.  Sorry… I’ll do better tomorrow.

 

I have uncovered stunning evidence that the editors of Time Magazine listen to our podcast.  A young Abe Lincoln graces the cover of this week's issue with the headline: Uncovering the real Abe Lincoln.  The article goes on to de-bunk rumors of his homosexuality theorizing, as The Swish had, that for men to share beds in the mid-19th century was commonplace.  The article states that "the terms homosexual and heterosexual did not exist in Lincoln's time and that fact is just one piece of evidence that the concepts of gender, sexuality and same-sex relationships were radically different in Lincoln's world."

Hmmm, well "concepts" and "terms" not withstanding, I'm doubting that much has changed in the biological nature of human beings within the last thousands of years. 

Whatever they called men who fell in love with men and women who fell in love with women, or whatever they didn't call them.... they had them.  If Kinsey said there's a gradient scale somewhere along which we all lie, 1 being sexually attracted only to the opposite sex and 5 being sexually attracted only to your same sex then I'm willing to speculate that if that scale exists now, it existed then.  If Lincoln was a little gay or a lot gay, it matters not, other than it's more than a little funny to imagine he was really gay.  Just as it's funny to picture J. Edgar Hoover in a smart gown and matching heels.  I'm not saying it's polite to find it funny.  I'm just saying I find it funny.

Come on though, aren't we all a little different and a lot alike?  As for me, I'm a bit of a tomboy but I've never kissed a girl.  And possibly, neither has Lincoln.  Maybe I've just never been drunk enough.  You can picture it if you need to, just don't Photoshop it onto the internet.

Back to my original point that our podcast is on the cutting edge of what's on the minds of Americans.  Oh, and that we will continue our gay Lincoln debate during our next podcast.  Please post your thoughts. 

 

Weezy and The Swish podcast 003

And so the insanity continues! I was out at Gnomedex, but I had a 'stunt-Matt' doing double duty on my behalf.

The show turned out great regardless. More zany goodies with the craigslist game, people asking Weezy for a handout, Laura going off about tires and plenty of other weirdness to occupy yourselves with for about an hour. Enjoy!

I consider myself extremely lucky that I happened to stumble across this very important piece of news. And if you're reading this, you, too, are lucky because I'm going to give you information that could potentially thwart a War of the Worlds-type scenario. No joke. I suggest you copy and paste this post into an email and send it to everyone on your contact list. It's just that important. Here it is, the ten things you should do if you encounter a UFO. I'm going to paraphrase a bit. Should you want to get a more in-depth, "accurate" account, check out the SF Gate article or visit the Mutual UFO Network's website. Here we go:

1. REMAIN CALM! DON'T EFFING PANIC!!!! SERIOUSLY! YEAH, YOU MIGHT BE IN DANGER, BUT BE COOL. Don't go throwing rocks at the UFO. Hide if you have to. Above all: DON'T MAKE THEM ANGRY.

2. Wait a few hours until your buzz wears off and ask yourself this: Are you SURE what you saw was a UFO? Think about it. Are you POSITIVE? No one's going to be mad if you realize what you saw was a helicopter, or something from this earth. Eliminate every other possibility.

3. STOP STARING AT THE THING SLACK-JAWED AND GET YOUR G-DAMN CAMCORDER! What? You think your description is going to be enough? Get PROOF. And don't be all herky jerky with your taping. Make sure to get points of reference, like a mountain in the background, how far thing is from the ground...that type of thing. And don't try and get all Michael Bay on us. Just shoot it straight.

4. If you're, like, the only person on the planet without a camcorder, then use a tape-recorder and describe what's going on. Like, I'm 50 feet away from the keg in my backyard, near the North-facing fence. I see red flashing lights...wait, that's a cop. No, I see green blinking lights in the sky; it sounds like....

5. If there are other people around, make sure they come up with their own descriptions. DON'T COLLABORATE. You do your work, they'll do theirs. Let the experts sort it out.

6. If any evidence was left behind, DON'T TOUCH IT, YOU MORON! Duh. Take pictures, film it, whatever. Also, you don't know where that spaceship has been. You might touch some space goo and then BOOM! Chlamydia of the hand or something.

7. Okay, if the object was spotted at a distance, what would it take to cover it from an arm's length? A penny, quarter, baseball cap, fist. What?! This will help people who understand math to figure out how far away it was, or how big it was.

8. How fast was it going?

9. If you see a space person, hide. But don't hide so well that you can't videotape the thing. Also (and SF Gate didn't even mention this), cover the blinking red light on your camcorder. Space aliens like blinking red lights. AND--and this is really important--if you take a picture don't use flash. This will give the space being red eye and you'll have to photoshop that out later. Oh, and it might alert the creature as to your location, so it can easily kill you.

10. Immediately report the siting to a crackpot organization dedicated to proving UFOs really exist.

11. Post a description to my blog.

Well, good luck out there, folks.

Great news, I spoke with Adam Curry in person at Gnomedex and he is truly interested in checking out the show. He mentioned that "this type of thing is exactly what Podshow needs" when I explained what the show was about. I hope to get the promo to him very soon. Not bad, eh?

As for the latest podcast, I should have it up soon.

The Swish is now blogging over here which is great because now we can talk to each other whenever we're not talking to each other in the podcast or on the phone or in person.  Sweet. 

We completed podcast #3 today and it is just packed from stem to stern with completely useless chatter.  One of the inane subjects we touched upon was emails I get from possibly, but probably not well intentioned individuals asking me for money.  These requests have come in the wake of my testimony at the Michael Jackson trial.  Folks seem to believe that since I gave money to people I know in the midst of their crisis that I will now randomly give money to people I don't know in the midst of their assorted crisis.  I received one letter that touched me so very deeply, I felt compelled to read it during Podcast #3.  However, sadly, I was not able to get through the letter without laughing.  Now, this either makes me a callous bitch or it makes this letter the most ingenious piece of woven bull crap ever assembled.  Either way, here is the letter and to Barbara, if your misery is, in fact, real, I am sorrowfully apologetic, but, my gosh, this is good stuff...

Hi Louise; my name is Barbara Buchanan, I'm 55 yrs. old and All my life. I have done manual labor with dirty heavy lifting and pulling etc. I raised both my boys working in fiberglass for over 14 years, and I’m now raising my 16 year old granddaughter, Terri because her mother poured boiling water down her throat when she was a baby.  I ended up having back surgery because when I turned off the air compressor the breaker box exploded in my face, which picked me up and turned me around rupturing a disk in my back plus I had first & second degree burns on my face and hand. Anyway then I slipped in water and froze my knee cap over to the right side. I worked over 7mo. like that because my mother and son was both very ill and I had to buy their medicines and pay Dr. bills. So I ended up having 4 surgeries on my right knee and 2 on my left. My right knee goes out from underneath me without me knowing it so now I'm disabled and on Social Security after going to college and everything plus I also have periperal neuropathy now, which is very painful in both legs & feet. My mother and I both have electric mobility chairs with no way to haul them. But now we don't even have a car as mine died. I'm behind in everything including the trailer payment, I don't want a new one  I just need an extended minivan with rear A/C, or a pickup with 4doors as I have a pretty good size butt and a regular pickup just wouldn't work, plus Terri has long legs & our dog likes to go. It has to be very dependable with A/C due to my mother diseased heart and me being hot natured. My mother had a very hard time getting in and especially out of the car and I did to but not like her because her heart is so bad that they won't do surgery on her knees which are bone to bone of repair her torn rotator cuff. Anyway with the price of them and the taxes it comes around $20,000. I know this is a lot to ask for but we desperately need help from someone please. You or anyone can come and see that everything I have said is on the up & up, We're not someone just wanting money for the heck of it, I'd like to pay this darn trailer off as it's in my brothers name and it's making it hard on him     Thank you For Listening & God Bless,  Barbara Buchanan

God Bless you too, Barbara but I'm going to have to say no.

STAND-UP COMEDY

Comedian, Deb Cox and I did stand-up at the Home Brew in San Dimas tonight (Saturday).  We both had pretty good sets.  Chris Kostelevsky, the guy who runs the room gave us each tiny magic eight balls and Deb and I spent the ride home asking our little magic eight balls questions about guys we like.  Deb got the same answer every time she asked a certain question.   Hmmm... It's hard to believe that we are both fully functional adults with careers, lives and homes.  But, are we really?  "Ask again later."

 

Mochi: One great reason to shop at Trader Joe's.  I got strawberry Mochi today, my favorite flavor (and I normally am not a fan of strawberry).  Another good bet, if you're not yet hip to the deliciousness that is Mochi--Green Tea.  Chocolate not so much.

 

Have just returned from taping podcast number three.  Weezy looses it, breaks down in tears and slanders one of our most respected presidents.  It was truly disgraceful.  I don't want to talk about it.  I'm really worked up.  If she thought she got hate mail before...

 

Bean, my pooch, has learned the craft of holding her poop in.  I go to walk her, she knows if she does her business right away, walks over.  If she waits, holds it in, she gets a few blocks out of me, even if I'm in a hurry.  I think it's bull crap.

 

Saw the new zombie movie last night.  Though I'm not a huge fan of zombie movies, I really enjoyed it.  Run out to see the movie.  Or take slow, but plodding, jerky steps toward theater with your arms out.

 

NEWSFLASH!

The war's over.  Just heard on the news.  The insurgency realized they really did want democracy after all.  Phew!  Now we can stop worrying about that whole mess and can concentrate our energy on the Phil Spector trial.  Where does he get his hair done?  Seriously, does anyone have the number to his hair dresser? 

 

Got to eat and then party.  Hearty.

 

Dig?

Einz, Zwei, Drei...Laughensie