I submit "The Opposite of Queer" as the Army's new slogan, as in: Join the Army...It's the Opposite of Queer. "Army of One" and "Be All that You Can Be" aren't in-your-face enough, and probably won't help the military reach their recruiting goals, which were falling short.

Some may say my slogan is immature, but those people are just stupid. They haven't researched the science of effective sloganeering like I have. According to the science, men are far more prone to act irrationally when their masculinity is threatened. There is a quantifiable link between childhood humiliation and Monster Truck enthusiasts. The larger the tires a man has on his truck, the greater the humiliations he experienced as a child. It's a fact.

I'm merely suggesting that we exploit the "queer fear" in men while our country is at war. We obviously need more volunteers.

Who's with me?